I Don't Want To Be Me
by xtOUCH tHE sKY
Summary: This story follows the life of Scott Barringer in the few months before Horizon when everything goes completely out of control.
1. Chapter 1

_**Summary**: _This follows the life of Scott Barringer in the few months before Horizon when everything goes completely out of control.

**_Warnings_**: Language, drug use, mentions of child abuse.

_**Disclaimer**: _I don't own anything except for Jason and Rachel). Don't sue please:D

_((New characters))_

**Jason** **Howard**: 17 years old. He is tall and skinny with naturally messy hair. Parents are divorced and he lives with his father who is verbally and physically abusive. He is friends with Scott and Rachel.

**Rachel Blackwell**: 16 years old. She is tall and thin with short black hair. She moved in next door to Scott about a year ago and they've become good friends over. She doesn't know exactly what is going on at home with Scott, but seems to be one of the few to see through the mask that he puts up.

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**Chapter 1**  
_Thursday Night_

"Lets go do something. Someone's gotta be having a party somewhere," Scott said, a cigarette hanging from his lips. Him, Jason and Rachel were hanging out in Jason's basement. It was only Thursday night, but Jason's dad wasn't home so they had the whole house to themselves.

"It's Thursday, dumbass. No one is going to be having a party. Not a good one anyway." Rachel said, throwing a pillow at Scott and successfully hitting him in the face.

"Why don't we just hang here? We could watch a movie or something." Jason suggested. "It's supposed to storm later anyway."

"So? The party is inside." Scott said, throwing the pillow back at Rachel.

"Or, we could just throw our own party." Jason said with a smirk as he held up a bag of white powder and tossed it to Scott. Just then they heard a car drive into the driveway.

"Shit! My dad's wasn't supposed to get back until late!" Jason said. "You guys gotta get out of here... If he sees you here he'll..." He didn't finish his statement.

"It's cool, we'll sneak out." Scott said, somewhat sympathetically. He knew all the crap that Jason's dad did to him and knew that if they got caught here it would be extremely bad for him.

They made it out the front door just as Jason's dad came in through the back door. Scott felt bad leaving him, but there really wasn't anything that they could do. Scott had tried to help him out a few times, but it just seemed to make the beatings worse.

"Where do you wanna go?" Scott asked as they walked down the street. In was almost dark and the clouds were threatening to pour out any minute.

"We should just go home. It's gonna start raining any second." Rachel said as they continued walking in the direction of their houses. Luckily, they didn't live too far from Jason's house.

"So how are things? At home, I mean..." Rachel asked. She worried about Scott. She could tell that he was hiding something. He would hardly admit it to anyone, but she could see the pain in his eyes.

"You know..." Scott said. "Same as always, I guess." He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't really want to talk about it."

"Ok." Rachel said sadly.

They walked the rest of the way home in silence. They reached Scott's house first, but Scott kept walking.

"Um, where are you going?" Rachel asked, a little confused, as she stopped walking in front of her house. "Your house is that way," she added, pointing a finger behind her.

"Yeah, I know." Scott said, taking sudden interest in the concrete. "I can't go in there."

"Oh..." She said. She wasn't sure why he didn't want to go home, but she decided not to push the subject any further. "Where are you going to go?"

"I don't know. I figured I could walk around. Kill some time."

"You can't stay out here. It's going to rain."

"Well I can't go in there." He said, referring to his house. She could tell he was getting annoyed.

"Come over to my house. You can stay for a while... If you want."

Scott smiled. "Your parents wouldn't care?"

"Please, my parents love you. Besides, we'll just tell them we're studying or something." She also smiled. "Come on." She grabbed his hand and led him into the house.

After saying hi to her parents, the two headed upstairs to Rachel's room.

"That was easy. Your parents must really trust you." Scott said, lying on his back on her bed and putting his hands behind his head. He wished his family were more like Rachel's...

"Yeah, something like that." Rachel replied as she lay down next to Scott.

They stayed like that for a while, not saying much, but both enjoying each other's company. Rachel was slipping in and out of sleep when she felt Scott sit up. She watched him as he ran his hands through his hair and then took out the bag of cocaine that Jason gave him earlier.

"What are you doing?" Rachel asked. She glanced at the clock and saw that it was already past midnight. Her parents must have fallen asleep or something, otherwise they would've made Scott go home by now.

"What does it look like?"

"It looks like you're running away from your problems."

"Don't start with that, Rachel. It's not like I'm a junkie or anything," Scott said as he poured some of the powder onto her desk and divided it into two lines. He took out a dollar bill from his pocket and rolled it up, using it to sniff up both lines of cocaine.

"I just don't see why you do that stuff. I mean, these are supposed to be the 'best years of our lives'. I would at least want to remember it..."

"Try being me and then we'll talk." Scott said as he wiped his nose as tilted his head back, closing his eyes tightly.

Rachel sighed. She knew there was no point in arguing with him while he was high.

"Just make sure you clean that stuff up. If my parents find that stuffthey'll crucify me." She said seriously. She watched Scott wipe of the desk with his hand.

"Look, it's as good as new." He said before standing up. "I better get home before my dad calls a search party." He walked to the door and opened it. Pausing before leaving he added, "Thanks, Rach... for everything." He gave her a small smile and then left. She wished he would stop using. Whatever it was that was hurting him, she hoped he would get help fast, before he ended up hurting himself even worse.


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N: Sorry for the wait! My computer has been acting strange and everytime I would try to upload this chapter, it wouldn't work! Anyway, I'm going out of town next Monday for about twoweeks,so I'll try to get as many chapters posted before then. I hope you like this chapter!**_

**_Warnings_**: language, drug use, mentions of sexual abuse.

_**Disclaimer**: _I don't own anything (except for Jason and Rachel). Don't sue please:D

_((New characters))_

**Jason** **Howard**: 17 years old. He is tall and skinny with naturally messy hair. Parents are divorced and he lives with his father who is verbally and physically abusive. He is friends with Scott and Rachel.

**Rachel Blackwell**: 16 years old. She is tall and thin with short black hair. She moved in next door to Scott about a year ago and they've become good friends over. She doesn't know exactly what is going on at home with Scott, but seems to be one of the few to see through the mask that he puts up.

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**Chapter 2**  
_Trouble Sleeping_

Scott opened the door to his house. He tried to be as quiet as he could, but being high and walking through the door soaking wet from the rain didn't exactly help. He made it as far as the first step before he felt someone yank his arm, whipping him around in the process.

"Let go of me." Scott said, jerking his arm from his father's grip.

"Where the hell have you been? You have a game tomorrow!" came his dad's angry voice. Elaine was standing behind him with her arms crossed.

"What are you looking at?" He shot at her. She just gave him a crooked smile. He hated her. He hated her _so_ much.

"You have no right to talk to her like that!" his father yelled at him.

"Can we just get this over with? I'm tired."

"I asked you where have you been?" his father repeated, trying to keep his patience.

"Out. Anything else?"

Scott's dad grabbed Scott by his shoulders and looked at his eyes. He could see they were red, slightly bloodshot.

"What are you on?" He said in a weary voice. He was tired of his son coming home high. He knew it was because of those friends that he was hanging out with.

"Nothing, just leave me alone. I'm a growing boy. I need sleep." Scott said, once again shaking loose of his father's grip before heading up to his room and slamming the door loudly.

"I just don't know what to do anymore." Martin said, sighing. "He's getting out of control."

"You don't think it's me, do you? I mean, with the divorce and everything..." Elaine said as she wrapped her arms around Martin's neck.

"No. He likes you, just give it some time." He replied. "I'm going to bed."

"I'll be there in a little bit. I'm going to go talk to Scott, maybe he'll finally open up to me," she said. It was getting easier and easier to lie to him.

"Good luck," Martin said before giving her a quick peck on the lips and heading for their bedroom.

Elaine waited until she heard the door close and headed up the stairs. _'This is getting way too easy'_ she thought as she reached Scott's door and went inside, being sure to close it behind her.

"Scott," she said in a seductive voice. "I know you aren't sleeping."

He was lying on his bed, his face buried in his pillow. Why did this have to happen to him?

"Go away."

"Oh Scotty, you know you want me."

"I said go away." He stated a little more firmly as he turned to face her.

"Shhhh." She put her fingers up to her lips. "You don't want him to hear us, do you?"

She walked over and got into the bed next to him. She felt his body become tense and began caressing his upper body. Slowly she leaned in and kissed him, forcing her tongue into his mouth. Scott's mind screamed for him to push her off of him, but somehow he couldn't. Whenever he was around her he would always seem to choke up. He hated himself more and more each time for being weak. If his father ever found out...

Her hands made their way to his boxers and he let out a desperate groan.

"Please... stop..." Scott managed to whine.

But she didn't stop. She never did.

**The next morning...**

Scott lay on his bed, exhausted. It was 8:00am and he had to be at school in half an hour. He didn't want to go. He wished that he could just lay there forever. He wished that he were anyone else in the world right now. His head hurt and his hands were kind of shaking. It was either from the lack of drugs or from sheer fatigue. He hardly ever got any sleep, and when he did all he sees is _her._

"Scott, get down here! I'm leaving in five minutes!" his dad called from downstairs.

He groaned and rolled over in his bed to go back to sleep. He knew couldn't stay here, but right now he didn't care.

The next thing he knew he was being roughly shaken awake.

"Scott! I told you to be downstairs ten minutes ago!" his dad yelled angrily.

"Yeah, I heard you." Scott replied, his voice still thick with sleep. "And I don't really care."

"You can't miss school today. You have scouts waiting to see you play in the game tonight!"

"Like I said, I don't really care."

"I don't know what is up with you, but whatever it is you need to fix it. And _fast_." He retorted, storming out of the room.

He heard his dad say goodbye to Elaine downstairs before hurrying out of the door. He laid there, the feeling of disgust growing thick in the pit of his stomach. He just wished that his dad would see what a horrible person that Elaine was. Then maybe things would get better. Then maybe he wouldn't have to get high _every_ _day_.

He lay there for a couple more hours until he heard footsteps coming towards his room. When his door opened he thought he was going to be sick. It was ten o'clock in the morning and she was already coming after him.

"Go away, Elaine," Scott said, quickly getting out of bed and going over to his dresser to get out some clothes to wear to school. Suddenly staying home didn't seem like such a good idea. He pulled on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and headed for the door. As he passed by Elaine she grabbed his arm. He froze. Her touch always seemed to have that effect on him.

"You know better than to talk to me like that, Scotty." She closed the space between their bodies and stroked his face with her hand.

"I... I have to got to school," Scott said, his voice coming out as a whisper.

"Don't worry," she said, kissing his lips softly. "I'll be here when you get back."

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_**Thanks for reading and don't forget to review!**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Summary**: _This follows the life of Scott Barringer in the few months before Horizon when everything goes completely out of control.

**_Warnings_**: Language, drug use, maybe mentions of abuse.

_**Disclaimer**: _I don't own anything (except for Jason and Rachel). Don't sue please:D

_((New characters))_

**Jason** **Howard**: 17 years old. He is tall and skinny with naturally messy hair. Parents are divorced and he lives with his father who is verbally and physically abusive. He is friends with Scott and Rachel.

**Rachel Blackwell**: 16 years old. She is tall and thin with short black hair. She moved in next door to Scott about a year ago and they've become good friends over. She doesn't know exactly what is going on at home with Scott, but seems to be one of the few to see through the mask that he puts up.

**Chapter 3**

Rachel ran to catch up with Scott in the parking lot after school. "Hey Scott! Wait up!" she called. "Where were you? I didn't see you this morning," She asked curiously. Scott turned around. She searched his eyes and saw that they were red and slightly puffy, like he had been crying or something.

"Are you ok?" she asked softly, touching his cheek. He seemed to flinch at her touch and she quickly dropped her hand.

"Sorry... I'm just really tired."

"It's called sleep. Maybe you should try it sometime." She joked, hoping to lighten the mood. He gave her a half smile. "Oh my gosh, did Scott Barringer actually smile?" she said with mock surprise.

"I have to get to practice. Coach wants to review film or something before the game. I'll catch up with you later," Scott said before turning around and heading for the locker room. When he got there, the rest of the team was already seated and watching the coach draw out plays on the dry-erase board.

"Nice of you to join us Barringer." Coach Sydes retorted as he walked in and took a seat.

"Don't get used to it," Scott said under his breath.

"You wanna say that again?" Everyone's eyes seemed to be fixed on Scott now.

"Nope."

"I'm not feeling your attitude, Barringer."

"Did we come here to argue or did we come here to learn plays 'n shit?" Scott said, slouching in his chair.

"One more slip up from you Scott and you're off the team," Coach said in a threatening voice. Scott knew he was testing his boundaries, but once he was in defensive mode, it was hard for him to get out of it.

"Like I said before, whatever."

After the coach reviewed some more plays they watched a short film of clips from the team they were supposed to be playing tonight. Scott couldn't help but think that all of this was ridiculous. All of it. This team, this game... It seemed that was all anyone cared about. Who cares if you flunk every class, as long as you win football games you get a free ride to college.

Pretty soon it was game time and Scott found himself running out onto the field, surrounded by hundreds of cheering fans in the stands.

He caught pass after pass, scored touchdown after touchdown. He was the hero. Maybe that's why he kept coming back to this game. On the field, he was the hero. He got caught up in the moment and it felt good. But once the clock ran down and the game was over, he was just like every other jock out there. Acting cool on the outside, but just as scared and insecure as everyone else.

Scott took off his helmet and walked into the locker room. Everyone was slapping on the back and telling him good game. He took a quick shower in the locker room and changed into an extra pair of clothes that he had in his locker.

He slung his backpack over his shoulder and walked out side and almost walked straight into his dad who was eagerly waiting for him with Elaine. The stadium was almost vacant except for a few players and their parents and some loitering fans from the stands.

"You played great, son," Martin said, wrapping Scott into a hug.

"I never knew you could run that fast," Elaine added.

"Thanks," Scott said dryly. Her voice made him sick.

"I could tell the scouts were watching you."

"Yeah." That's all his dad seemed to care about. Football and college scouts.

"Why don't we go out to dinner and celebrate?" Elaine suggested cheerfully.

Just then Rachel and Jason walked up. "Great game Scott!" Rachel said with a huge smile on her face. Scott loved her smile; it was genuine and warm, nothing like Elaine's.

"Yeah, I guess you were alright," Jason added jokingly.

"Thanks guys," Scott replied warmly. They always had a way saving him, even when they didn't know it. Scott turned to his dad and step-mom. "Thanks for the offer, but I already promised Jason and Rachel that I'd treat them to dinner." Scott lied. He looked to Rachel and Jason for help.

"Uhh, right. And you know what they say about people who break promises..." Rachel said to Martin awkwardly.

"Oh really? What is that?" Martin asked. He didn't like this girl or Jason. All they did was cause his son trouble.

"Well, you know... they, um..." Rachel wasn't so good at the whole lying thing.

"Grow a big nose." Jason added. Martin looked at him strangely "Like Pinocchio."

"Yeah, so we're just going to go... now." Scott said grabbing both Rachel and Jason by the arm and walking away from the awkward conversation as fast as he could. Once they were out of earshot of Martin and Elaine, Scott said, "You guys really suck at lying."

"Yeah, well you caught me off-guard," Rachel said defensively.

"No, you just suck at lying," Scott said plainly, smiling at her.

"Well at least I didn't talk about Pinocchio like that genius over there." She pointed at Jason who stuck up his middle finger playfully at them both. They reached Jason's muscle car in the parking lot and jumped in, with Rachel sitting in the front and Scott reluctantly sitting in the back seat.

Jason started up the engine and rock music blasted over the stereo.

"So where are we going anyway?" Jason asked once he started driving.

"To get some food, duh." Rachel said. "Scott already said he was paying."

"I just said that to get away from _them,_" Scott said in his defense.

"I think Chris is throwing a party. We could go over there," Jason suggested.

Scott knew that Chris always threw the crazies parties. He smiled to himself before responding, "Fine with me."

**Early the next morning...**

Scott came stumbling through the front door of his house, completely wasted. His limbs felt like lead, so it didn't make walking very easy. It was still early, so luckily his dad and Elaine were still asleep.

Finally making it up to his room, Scott collapsed on his bed. He was so exhausted. As much fun as partying can be, it seemed to take a toll on you after a while.

Scott got to sleep for a few more hours, but it seemed as soon as he lay down his door flew open and in stormed his dad.

"Where the hell have you been!"

Scott just grunted and turned over in response.

This seemed to be the routine lately. Scott would come in wasted. His dad would ask him where he's been. Scott would either ignore him or tell him off and then he would usually get some lecture before his dad finally got sick of him and left him alone.

"Answer me, damnit!"

His dad seemed unusually pissed off.

"I was at a party." Scott said tiredly into his pillow. "No go away."

"You're throwing your life away, Scott! Do you not realize that? How can you be so stupid!"

Scott didn't know why, but those last words stung. Even in his hangover haze, they still had an un-expectantly hurtful impact on him.

"How can _you_?" Scott shot back, standing up to look his dad in the eye. "Don't you see what's going on right in front of _you_!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Nothing." Scott said softly, looking down.

"I don't know what to do with you anymore, Scott," his father told him seriously. Disappointment was thick in his voice.

"I'm sorry..." Scott wanted to tell him why he _had_ to get high every single day. He wanted to tell him everything, but he couldn't. He knew his dad wouldn't believe him. Who would? He was a guy, he should've stopped her, which only made him even more of a pathetic freak.

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And I'd like to give a HUGE thank you to **Melms213** and **Danyu** for their reviews!


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